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Miles Jai saying what needs to be said.

"There was also a LGBT panel (at Playlist Live) that my friends were on. That was really fun to go to, and it was also very, um, enlightening. But the thing about having, like, an all gay cisgender white panel and calling it a "LGBT panel" even though there’s only gay white people on it isn’t really very accurate. And you know, I feel like a lot of people, even the panelists, have agreed that there should be more representation on the panel. I mean, who could they find that represent a different part of the LGBT spectrum? So yes, more represntation in the LGBT panels. Not just like, one lesbian and 4 white gay guys."

here’s to more diverse panels in the future! :)

Conversation I heard in Starbucks

  • *A guy and a girl walk in and order their coffee. They sit across from each other and just start talking. The guy asks her if she'd like to go out with him. She politely turns him down and says she's not interested. The guy begins to rant about how "nice guys finish last"*

  • Guy:

    I've known you since freshman year! I've been there during all your break ups with jerks and you treat me like this?

  • Girl:

    So just because you're there for me, I should date you? Is that what you're saying?

  • Guy:

    I'm just saying you should give me a chance.

  • Girl:

    Listen, I just don't like you in that way. I'm not looking for a relationship and I want us to be friends, and nothing more. I'm sorry, I just want to stay where we are right now.

  • Guy:

    Why don't you like me? It's because I'm not an asshole, huh?

  • Girl:

    You gotta be fucking kidding me. You seriously think I go for guys who treat me like garbage? I go for guys who I like, guys who don't play the "nice guys finish last" card.

  • Guy:

    I'm just saying what needs to be said. You don't appreciate all the things that I've done for you.

  • Girl:

    Oh yeah? Like what?

  • Guy:

    There was that one time I got you some pads when you were on know....

  • Girl:


  • Guy:

    Please, just lower your voice, you're causing a scene-.

  • Girl:


  • Girl:

    I don't owe you ANYTHING. I'm grateful for the things you've done for me, but it's hard to remain grateful when you act like an inconsiderate jerk like you're doing right now.

  • Girl:

    Do me a favor and get your head out of your ass, it's not a hat. Stick to a fedora like all the other "friend-zoned" guys out there.

  • *the whole cafe sits in silence*

  • *barista starts clapping*

You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.

If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”

On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.

The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.

There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?

Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.

This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.

So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.

For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.

an excerpt from Phaedra Starling’s “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced” (via lostgrrrls)

women being afraid of Shrodinger’s Rapists (oh my god i still can’t get over the encompassing brilliance of this phrase) is a conditioned, learned response from being immersed in rape culture and the evolution of sexism and sexual violence in our society from the day we’re born. And unfortunately, it’s very difficult to unlearn without the efforts of all genders to dismantle it. Which is where you come in.

(via 5000letters)

(Source: lostgrrrls)

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